And after this, I'm giving it a rest.

My good friend just sent me this via email and another friend posted it on Facebook.  It's a joke, a pretty good one, IMHO, on the subject of rape.  Some of you, but more likely, none of you, may recall a post that Ye Olde Curls collaborated on that sparked a bit of controversy in the Twin Cities' comedy community.  I definitely don't want to re-hash the debate; I actually want to talk a little about what I learned from this whole thing, almost two years later.

I have started going to open mics again.  Stand-up comedy keeps calling me back and this time I'm making the commitment.  I'm a little sensitive when I run into the comics who were on the "other side" of my band's stance (sorry, I can't seem to find the original post even through Wayback Machine, but I'm not totally web savvy, so maybe you can find it).  I was at the same open mic as one of them last night and I couldn't help thinking, "Does he still think I'm a total cunt?" I hope we've both forgiven and forgotten, but I think there's wounds there that neither of us are responsible for on the other.  We were all really angry; our side wanted comics to be more sensitive (I cringe at nut-shelling it even like this), their side said comedy is subjective.

Which is where I concede that they were right:  comedy *is* subjective.

This is something that people who are truly comedians know.  True comedians know that not everyone is going to get the joke and though sometimes it's hard to brush off the audience that just didn't *get* it, I think that a true comedian (and I'm talking performers of comedy, not just stand-up comics) knows that some days the joke lands and some days it doesn't.  The joke that sparked this whole debate didn't land with me and so I said something about it.  And then I passive-aggressively put a post about it on facebook, which caused an uproar that was totally flamed by people on both sides of the fence trying to prove they were right.  Whatever.  I don't care about it anymore.  You can't control it. Where we hoped to bring awareness, I heard that rape jokes were at an all-time high in the comedy scene following the incident... because stand-up comics have a tendency to be a rebellious and self-righteous lot, gosh bless 'em.

I can't speak for where all those involved are nowadays, if they've reconsidered their original stances, like myself, and made concessions and maybe let go of some jokes that crossed the line (which is waaaay out there, if you ask me).  Of course, saying this, I hear Bill Hicks and Rick Shapiro screaming, "FUCKING CROSS THE LINE!"

So where am I right now?  Well, I have a rape joke that I've been using on and off for many years, since I started doing stand-up in New York.  My friend wrote it and let me use it on stage.  I let it go a couple of years ago, telling my friend I wasn't going to use it anymore, saying that ALL rape jokes are wrong, but now I want to use it again.  Because as Cristina Cordova points out in her piece commenting on our original post, I too would like to laugh at rape's expense.  Rape itself isn't funny.  But of course, it's totally possible to heal from being able to find the funny in one's experience with rape, whether direct or indirect.

Full disclosure:  I have been raped twice.  Not a whole lot of people knew this about me because it's not something I wear as a badge and because of the nature of these rapes, i.e., they were for the most part "non-violent" and with men I "knew," I never felt the need to be out about it.  I also didn't realize at the time what happened to me was, by definition, rape.  I also probably felt really ashamed.  But this is where my initial abhorrence for rape jokes was born... kinda like an anti-gay Senator who is so outspoken because he himself is a closeted homosexual.  Kinda.  Maybe not.  But I mean, like, I had to come to terms with what had happened to me to make laughing about it, being able to laugh at the subject okay.  Obviously, every person that's been raped is at different stages of her or his healing and anything can trigger a traumatic re-living of the experience.

However, just because not ALL rape jokes are not funny, doesn't mean that every rape joke works.  But then, you have to remove the word "rape" from that sentence.  Not every joke works.  And that's part of what being a stand-up comedian is all about, especially if you're one that aims to cross the line.  Hopefully, you're doing it for awareness and to shed light on a difficult subject.  But if you're not, that's okay too.  Because I can't tell you how to do your work... but your subsequent gaining of fans might.  If you're being completely true to yourself and sharing your soul with the world and choosing to make light of the difficult because you want to make others laugh, truly *laugh*, I just have a feeling that your natural humanity will come through and eventually, you can help others heal through a hard subject.  Or you'll just piss others off.  There's no wrong or right, I guess.  I won't come see the comic that just does it to piss others off, but that's because I don't find it funny.  I don't.

I've made my peace with rape jokes.  People are going to tell them.  People are going to suck at telling them and some people are going to really hit the nail on the head.  Like with any subject.  Like the comic who told the joke that set me off said, "how is rape more off-limits than racism or homophobia, etc" (or something like that).  I think I have an answer to that, but that's where subjectivity comes in again.  I can only speak from my experience.  I can't tell a comic how to do his/her job, but I can stop going to shows.  That's about as much power as I can have.